How Seto Kaiba Gets His Exercise
by sirensbane
Summary: In hundreds of fanfics, Seto Kaiba is famous for his slender waist and muscular torso. But with his tremendous workload, how does he maintain his physique? Through his patented Kaiba Body Workout , of course!


In hundreds of fanfics, Seto Kaiba is famous for his slender waist and muscular torso. But with his tremendous workload, how does he maintain his physique? Through his patented Kaiba Body Workout©, of course!

* * *

**1. Yelling at his competitors strengthens the lungs.**

"I challenge you to a duel!" Kaiba yelled, dramatically jabbing a finger into the air.

"I accept your challenge!" the Pharaoh roared back, just as loudly. People in the street were stopping to stare.

"Good! I'll…" Kaiba began, voice still raised enough that in a nearby apartment, a sleeping baby woke up and began to wail.

"Why are we yelling?" the Pharaoh yelled.

For a long moment, Kaiba was stumped. He lowered his finger slowly and glared down at his Duel Disk as though expecting to read the answer there. His customary scowl began to slip over his face. Then, all at once, his genius provided him with an answer. He drew in all of his breath for his final triumphant cry:

"**BECAUSE IT'S MORE DRAMATIC THAT WAY!" **The buildings around the pair actually quivered with the shock.

Now it was the Pharaoh's turn to gape at his opponent in silence. _Hard to argue with that logic…_he thought.

Seeing that no brilliant reply was forthcoming, Kaiba smirked. With the air of someone who has just cleverly outsmarted their opponent, he drew a card.

"Now," he said, rather hoarsely. "I'll take the first turn."

**Note: Employees work just as well as competitors, so please keep this in mind when choosing a subject.**

"Why am I surrounded by such incompetent idiots?" Several windows shattered.

Mokuba Kaiba winced. Seto rarely lost his temper so completely, but woe to any employee who got in the way when it happened.

"I wanted this duel disk completed yesterday! Do I have to do everything myself?"

Mokuba put down his homework and started counting. _5… 4… 3… 2… 1…_

"**YOU'RE FIRED!**"

Mokuba shook his head and picked up his pencil again. "Big brothers are _so _predictable."

* * *

**2. Making unnecessarily dramatic gestures while dueling strengthens the arms and shoulders. **

"My turn!" Kaiba drew a card and held it aloft, craning his head back to look up at it.

"I play Cave Dragon!" Kaiba waved the card triumphantly and made a gesture with it that reminded the Pharaoh vaguely of the Hokie Pokie.

"That's what it's all about," he muttered under his breath as the dragon appeared on the field. The duel had been going on for an hour now, mostly because Kaiba took so _long_ to actually _play _his cards.

"Are you done?" Pharaoh asked, forcing his voice to remain calm.

"No! For I will now summon two more dragons! And then I will sacrifice my three monsters to summon **THE BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON.**" He pumped his arm holding the card up and down a couple times and spun around in a circle, his white trench coat billowing out. Then he drew the card down to his face level and began to make a wave motion with it. Finally, he began to disco with it.

Yami watched, bemused. In the interest of time, he decided not to tell Kaiba that you cannot, in fact, summon a bunch of monsters in one turn.

* * *

**3. Hauling around a gigantic ego strengthens the back and upper body.**

"_If you think this is huge, you should see my ego."_

-Seto Kaiba, Yugioh Abridged

"Mr. Kaiba, do you have the answer to the question on the board?"

"Of course I do. I have the answer to everything." Kaiba stood up with a smug smile. "The answer is…" He took a deep dramatic breath. "42."

The teacher looked at him strangely. "Mr. Kaiba, the question refers to the state of the Roman Empire under Constantine. In what way does 42 answer that question?"

Kaiba smirked. "42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything." He looked around at his classmates. "Feel free to bask in my magnificence."

"You copied that out of _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_," Joey Wheeler protested.

Kaiba gave him The Stare (also patented). "Are you questioning my undisputed genius, mutt?" he growled, every word managing to convey "I am the richest, most powerful man in Domino City and I will personally disembowel you if you dare to disagree with me and I won't get more than a fine."

Joey, cocky as he usually was, blanched. He stammered an indistinct reply.

Ignoring the boy's answer, Kaiba turned back to the teacher and waved his hand at her regally.

"You may continue."

* * *

**4. Running after and jumping into moving vehicles strengthens the legs.**

With Yugi and Mokuba beside him, Kaiba sprinted towards the Kaiba blimp. The island behind him was collapsing, and some idiot employee had decided that _now_ was a good time to leave, even though his boss was _still on the island._

_Somebody's about to be fired_, Kaiba thought as he lengthened his stride to something that looked considerably like moon-jumping and should have been physically impossible.

"I'm not going to make it," Mokuba panted.

"Guess again." With a gigantic heave _without breaking stride_, a neat trick if you can manage it, he threw his brother up onto the ramp. Throwing children was probably breaking some sort of law, but honestly, who the heck cared?

Then, with a tremendous leap, he sprang onto the ramp, flying _over _the entire set of stairs and landing at least thirty feet higher than he started. From the doorway of the blimp, Joey Wheeler stared at him in shock.

"How the heck did ya do that?"

Kaiba gave the mutt a cool look, ignoring Yugi's voice begging someone to please turn the blimp around because I can't jump that high and oh gods I twisted my ankle.

"Screw the laws of physics, I have money."

"What about gravity?" Joey asked.

Kaiba gestured at his white trench-coat and raised a single eyebrow.

"Defying gravity is a given. It's an anime. It's the same principle that allows me to jump off incredibly high buildings without injury."

Seeing Joey's blank look, Kaiba sighed and pushed past him. "Never mind."

* * *

Kaiba glared at his production manager. "Are we done filming this ridiculous exercise video yet?" he growled. "I have important things to do. I need to do unspecified work on my laptop, I need to stop _three _evil arch-villains from taking over my company, I have to thrash a couple of incredibly incompetent opponents in a children's card game, I have to deny the existence of magic even though only an idiot would continue to do so after everything I've been through, I have to challenge Yugi for the 137th time, and Mokuba's been kidnapped _again_."He shook his head. "Seriously, I need to put a beeper on that kid."

"Will he be alright, sir?" the manager asked, concerned.

Kaiba shrugged. "Probably. Even if something bad happens, I'll just rush in dramatically, do a series of incredibly stupid things, and since I'm a main character, I'll destroy the villain with holographic monsters whose attacks somehow manage to cause injury." He held up a hand to forestall the inevitable question. "_No_, I don't know why."

The production manager sighed. She needed a raise. "No, Mr. Kaiba sir, we're not quite..."

He nodded in satisfaction. "Good." He strode off, gravity-defying coat fluttering dramatically.

The cameraman looked at the manager helplessly. She shrugged. "Just put the disclaimer at the end. No one will know the difference."

**Disclaimer:**

Do not attempt to do this workout if you are not an anime character, because the laws of physics and gravity _do _apply. Contact your doctor immediately if your head begins to swell or if you find yourself unable to smile or exhibit normal emotion. KaibaCorp is not responsible for any injuries that you acquire through the use of this workout. Side effects may include melodrama, an enlarged ego, and obsession with children's trading cards. Dragon fetishes are to be expected. If you experience a sudden desire to wear a white trench-coat and "screw the rules," discontinue this workout. Flamers will be punishable by law.


End file.
